A Tale of Two Clotpoles
by JenWinstheQuidditch
Summary: Eventually, Arthur finds out that Merlin is a sorcerer. This is a collection of ways that it will not happen - but we can hope. Joint fic with PikachutheConqueror and Kashamuffin.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: First of all, this is a co-authored fic with PikachutheConqueror and Kashamuffin.

Secondly, a disclaimer: we do not own Merlin. After reading this fic, you may decide that this is for the best.

Thirdly, our mission statement for this prologue: this is how we believe (or not really, but whatever) series 5 will start.

It begins on a stormy night...

Camelot is being besieged. All of its enemies have rallied under Morgana and surrounded the city. Inside the castle, corridors are bustling with activity as peasants and knights alike prepare themselves for the oncoming onslaught.

Gazing out the window at the mass of armies approaching the city walls, Arthur calls over his shoulder. "Merlin!"

Merlin runs to stand behind the King. "Yes sire?"

"It doesn't look good, does it?"

Merlin shrugs. "It's not so bad." After a pause in which Arthur raises his eyebrows, however, Merlin relents. "No, not really very good at all."

Arthur turns back to the scene out the window. "Any ideas?"

Merlin shakes his head. "Morgana knows all our weaknesses and has the magic to exploit them. Even with all the strength that we have, we can't defeat her. There's only one way I can think that we might make it out of this alive..."

"And?"

"Uh, that would be...to use magic ourselves."

Arthur looks long and hard at Merlin. "So, any ideas on that front?"

"None."

"I guess you better ask the dragon, then, hadn't you?"

"I suppose so."

They stand there for a few uneasy seconds.

"Well, get on with it Merlin!"

"Sorry, I was just thinking how much easier it is not to have to hide my magic from you anymore."

Arthur grins. "I can't imagine how you managed to use it for so long without me telling you how."

"Right."

"I remember that." Gwen has joined them at the window. "You wouldn't talk to each other for days."

The three friends take a few moments to reminisce about those days of dramatic angst and turmoil. Then there is a crash from down at the city gates.

"Well anyway," says Merlin, starting down the corridor. "I suppose I'd better go save the day."

He ducks as Arthur throws a broken candlestick at his head.

Author's Note: Seeing as now you are infuriated with the possibility that this will actually happen, the rest of the chapters of this fic will be unrelated one-shots describing different possible ways that Arthur finds out that Merlin is a wizard, leading to this prologue (or perhaps afterword, if you want to be technical). However, another disclaimer: the choice to list this fic as humour/parody was a strategic one. We plan to skip all of the potential angst and concentrate on the hilarity of these possible (actually highly improbable) scenarios. For this reason, we urge you to leave the world of realistic writing behind and join us in the light-hearted fun that is laughing at our favourite characters. Updates will be weekly, with the three of us taking turns writing the chapters.

We hope to see you next time!


	2. His Room is Full of Secrets

**Author's Note:** Greetings! JenWinstheQuidditch here, kicking things off with the first proper installment of our little mahoozit here. This is the first time I've written for Merlin, and the first fanfiction I've written in years, so bear with me. I don't own anything at all, so enjoy!

Arthur was annoyed, to say the least. He had started off the day in a bad mood, partly due to the stress of being king but mostly because Gwen was unhappy with him and he wasn't sure _why_, and Merlin was supposed to come and wake him up an _hour _ago, and now he was behind on his duties for the day. Scowling to himself, he rounded the last corner and rapped sharply on Gaius's door. "Merlin! I know you're in there!" There was no immediate response, and Arthur was not in a particularly patient mood, so he pounded on the door one more time before checking the handle, which was for some reason unlocked, and letting himself in.

"Merlin!" he shouted again, and this time he heard a muffled exclamation and frantic shuffling from Merlin's room. Narrowing his eyes, he headed back towards the sounds, but before he could, a flustered-looking Merlin appeared, shutting the door to his room behind him.

"Sire! I didn't hear you come in!" he said, standing in front of the door he had just left through.

"Obviously," Arthur stated bluntly, not at all in the mood to put up with Merlin. There was a faint rustling sound coming from Merlin's room. "What's that sound?"

"What sound?" Merlin asked.

Arthur listened, but it seemed to have stopped. Deciding that it probably wasn't important, he turned his attention to more pressing matters. "Never mind that. Mind telling me why you decided not to come wake me up this morning?"

Merlin froze for a moment, then put his face in his hands and groaned. "Right, sorry, lost track of time."

Arthur scowled again. "And what exactly was it that you were doing? I assume it must have been very important."

"I was… cleaning."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "You. Cleaning."

"Well, it was getting a bit hard to find things in there," Merlin said, not making eye contact. "But now it's taken care of, so we should probably head off. Busy day and all."

"Busier now that I'm starting an hour late," Arthur said, glaring at Merlin, who completely ignored him, steering Arthur towards the door.

"All the more reason to get going," Merlin said. Just as they reached the door, a loud thumping noise came from Merlin's room. They both froze.

"What on earth was that?"

"What was what?"

"That noise!"

"I didn't hear anything. We should probably just get going," Merlin said, steering Arthur towards the exit.

Arthur ripped his arm out of Merlin's grasp. "No, I definitely heard something coming from your room." There was another thump, followed by the sound of something shuffling within. "There it is again!" He turned back to Merlin's room and drew his sword.

Merlin was now panicking. "Sire, I really don't think you should go in there."

"And why is that," Arthur asked, glaring at Merlin.

"Well, if there is something there, don't you think you should go get reinforcements or something?" Merlin said, gesturing to the door.

Arthur's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying I can't handle this on my own?"

"What? No!" Merlin rushed forward in a last ditch attempt to stop him, but Arthur had already turned the knob and stepped into the room.

There was a long moment of silence as both Merlin and Arthur froze, broken only by the continued sounds from the room.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, sire?"

"Why _exactly_ is your bed alive?"

**Author's Note: ** …And then there was probably angst, but I don't really care about that part, so there you have it! Tada!

And yes, it's short. These things do happen.

Stay tuned for next week, when Kashamuffin will take her turn at the wheel.


	3. It's Not Funny Anymore

**Author's Note:** Hey, this is Kahamuffin! I've never written a Merlin fic and I think this is actually my first time writing a parody that isn't also a crack fic, so some things might not be the best writing skill wise. Bear with me please, I used to write, I just need to get in the swing of things. Thankfully, I don't own anything, so let's get down to business!

Merlin shifted nervously on his feet and glanced quickly around the room. He had been careless with his magic on his last trip into the woods and a woman from one of the outlying villages had seen. Now, he found himself in front of Arthur being accused, yet again, of practicing magic.

"I saw it with my own eyes!" the lady cried, almost in hysterics.

Arthur studied her for a long moment before looking at Merlin. "You say that you saw _him_ performing magic?"

"Yes, I could never forget that face. I saw him create fire from nothing; I was scared for my life!"

Merlin started to panic. "Sire, I wouldn't; I was just lighting a fire! It was dark, she probably just couldn't see properly," Merlin finished lamely.

"I _know_ it was magic, Sire!" the lady wailed.

Merlin held in a breath as Arthur stared, making his decision.

He turned his attention back to her. "Merlin has been my trusted servant for years, if he says that he doesn't practice sorcery, I believe him." Merlin let out his breath. "Are you positive there's no way your vision was hampered by the darkness?"

"I…suppose… I was just so sure…" she faltered.

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention but be careful about making such serious accusations in the future."

The woman bowed her head and began backing out of the room. "Of course, your highness. Sorry to have disturbed you, I was just so sure…"

As the door shut behind her, Arthur broke into a huge grin. "Why does everyone think you have magic?" Arthur laughed. "I mean, it's _completely_ ridiculous!"

Merlin laughed nervously trying to get his nerves back in check, "Yeah."

"Really though, all that power at _your_ command? Completely impossible! I'm sure _I_ would have noticed that by now! You can't keep anything from me!"

"You're right, Sire."

"And I mean you're normally such a dimwit!"

Merlin stopped smiling and turned a dead stare towards Arthur. This was not by far the first time Arthur had told him how completely ridiculous it would be for Merlin to have magic. Frankly, it was starting to get a bit old. "Yes, alright. Haha. That's enough now, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it's just…" Arthur doubled over laughing. "You're truly the worst servant I've ever had and if you have trouble with that, how could you handle, _magic_?" Arthur started laughing even harder at the impossibility of the whole thing. "I mean, you're always just cowering during fights and you manage to mess up on some of the simplest tasks I give you! You'd have probably managed to kill everyone by now when you were just trying to do a simple spell!"

"My magic has saved your life more times than I can count and you would know that if you weren't such a clotpole!" Merlin snapped.

Arthur stopped laughing and his head immediately snapped up to look at Merlin. After a long uncomfortable pause, Arthur, speaking slowly, asked, "What did you say, Merlin?"

Merlin quickly fumbled around trying to find some way to get himself out of this. All those times Arthur made fun of him, and he didn't say anything. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut? "I, uh, was just saying that magic has helped you before."

"That's not what you said. Say it again," Arthur said icily.

"Uh," Merlin started looking down at his feet.

"Merlin!"

"I have magic." There was another long pause while the two stared each other down trying to figure out their next moves. Merlin smiled awkwardly and raised his hands. "TaDa?"

**Author's Note: **You say short, I say fun sized…

Hooray for not including angst! Angst is always just kind of a downer for some reason. Go figure. So anyways, next week is PikachutheConqueror, so look for that. She's a much better write than I am so it'll be a good time.


	4. Unconscious Assumptions

Author's Note: Well, now that Kashamuffin has put the pressure on, you'll all have to let me know whether you agree with her statement about me being a "good writer". It's been a while since I wrote fanfiction, or even things that are not essays, so let's just see how this goes...

Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin, there would be a lot more crack moments...and possibly the occasional subplot resolution. But alas, I do not. I hope you will enjoy the chapter anyway.

Chapter 3: Unconscious Assumptions

"Didn't we go hunting last week?" Merlin complained as he trudged behind Arthur through the forest. It was hot, it was humid, and they had not found so much as a trail to follow all day. There was something off about the woods; it was oddly silent, as though the wildlife was especially skittish today. Though Arthur had noticed this a few times, telling Merlin to shut up while he looked and listened for signs of ambush, he had never found anything to be concerned about. Instead, the King had insisted on continuing to walk around aimlessly, no matter how many times Merlin sighed in exasperation or called him a dollop-head.

"Don't be such a girl, Merlin," Arthur drawled, not even glancing at his servant. "Hunting is a noble sport with a long tradition. You should be honoured to be accompanying me."

"Like I'm honoured to wash your socks?" was Merlin's comeback as they pushed their way through a thicket and into a clearing. "I don't see what's so noble about it. And that doesn't make me a girl – Princess Mithian _likes_ hunting, remember?"

A grunt was all the response he got from Arthur.

"And how come this time we don't even get horses?"

"Because, Merlin."

Ah. At last he was getting somewhere. "Oh, come on, haven't you been in a mood long enough?"

"What mood?"

"You're sulking."

"I do not _sulk_."

"Gwen still upset with you then?"

"Shut up, Merlin!"

Merlin grinned to himself and was just opening his mouth to further infuriate his friend when there was a shriek from above and a griffin – an actual griffin – swooped out of the sky and flew right at them.

"What the – " Arthur exclaimed as he drew his sword. Merlin ran towards him but tripped and fell on his backside, dropping the crossbow he'd been carrying. Arthur swiped at the griffin as it passed over them, but his sword glanced off the griffin's claws, flying out of his hands. Dodging, he managed to avoid injury, but the beast landed behind him and turned around for a second assault.

"Get behind me, Merlin!" Arthur shouted. He ran for his sword but the griffin charged him before he could reach it. The griffin reared up on its hind legs and lashed out at him with its claws. Arthur dodged the first slash, but the second sent him flying; he hit the ground hard and did not get up.

Merlin, who had not yet risen to his feet, set his jaw in determination as he watched the beast approach Arthur once more. Worried as he was for the King's safety, Merlin was at least relieved that he could now get rid of the griffin _his_ way...

Arthur blinked rapidly, shapes and colours swirling into his vision. As it cleared, he saw that he was lying defenceless on the ground with a griffin descending upon him. But before he could so much as roll out of the way, a flash of blue light knocked the griffin backwards. It shrieked again, snapping its beak, but another blast of blue sent it turning and fleeing to the skies, wing beats stirring the leaves of the trees. Arthur looked around and found Merlin standing beside him, hand outstretched and eyes fading from gold back to their natural blue. Wondering how hard he had hit his head, Arthur tried to make sense of the situation in as close to his usual manner as he could manage. "Merlin, what the _hell_ are you doing?"

Merlin whipped around, startled. "Arthur? You're awake?"

"Of course I'm awake, you idiot!" Arthur quickly got to his feet. "But what was that blue light?"

"Oh, that was, um...nothing." Merlin quickly shifted his expression from panic to schooled confusion. "There wasn't a blue light."

But his manservant's suspicious manner only made Arthur sure that what he had seen had not been a mere hallucination. "What? Yes there was, I just saw it!"

"Perhaps you were imagining it, sire? You did hit your head rather hard."

"I didn't _imagine_ it, Merlin, it scarred the griffin away!"

"Perhaps it was a trick of the light, then?"

"A trick of the light? And, what, griffins are scared of light, are they?"

Merlin paused. "Yes."

Arthur stared uncomprehendingly at Merlin for a few seconds. "You...you didn't...did –" He looked away and then back again. "Did you use magic?" He didn't sound like he really believed it, but the way he was watching Merlin now...

"I, uh..." Merlin swallowed, quite as shocked that Arthur had found out he had magic as Arthur was to discover that he _had_ magic, and blurted, "I didn't think you would notice."

Arthur, also dealing with his shock rather poorly, concentrated on the least concerning aspect of the situation. "It was a giant flash! How could you think I wouldn't notice?"

"Usually you don't," Merlin muttered.

"What was that?"

Merlin shuffled his feet. "Well...usually you're unconscious when I do magic."

"YOU knocked me unconscious?"

"No, it's just that you have an uncanny habit of being unconscious when I need to do magic. It just happens so often that I never really thought – "

"MERLIN!"

"Sire?"

"_You_ have magic? You. " Arthur's expression was still one of incredulity.

"Uh...well, you see, the thing is..." Hard as Merlin tried to come up with some plausible excuse, the only thing that came to mind was how absurd it was to have hidden his magic from Camelot for five years without ever once coming up with a solid plan for what to do if someone found him out. So Merlin decided to cheat a bit and fall back on the old stand-by: with a simple spell Arthur blinked, stumbled, and fell flat on his face. Merlin knew there would be a rather unpleasant conversation later, no doubt full of projectiles aimed at his head, but for now it would be easier if Arthur was in his usual state of unconsciousness.

A/N: Yes, this joke has been made before. But hey, everyone loves it – including me. You'll have to let me know how I did. I could have written more, but unfortunately whenever I expanded it, angst and slight drama snuck in, which would completely defeat the purpose of this fic. So short it is. Perhaps I shall think of a lengthier joke next time. Until then, it's up to JenWinsTheQuidditch!

Also: thanks to all who have shown interest in this fic!


	5. In Which Arthur is a Tad SelfCentred

**Author's Note: **Hola, JenWinstheQuidditch here, back for another whirlwind adventure! Yay!

Arthur Pendragon was many things; brave, noble, occasionally a bit pig-headed, he would admit to that. However, Arthur Pendragon was not stupid. Things had been happening for far too long, far too often, to continue ignoring. All sorts of coincidences, from little things (a tree branch falling on top of a bandit that had been about to attack him from behind, or a previously un-noticed tree root appearing to trip up a foe) to larger, less easy to explain things (somehow managing to defeat monsters that Gaius had said could _only_ be destroyed using magic). He had told himself that maybe Gaius had been mistaken, that in the forest it was completely reasonable for branches to fall and roots to stick up. However, after a certain point, Arthur was forced to admit that these events could not be random chance. He had willfully overlooked things for far too long now, and it was time to face the altogether unsettling truth.

Somehow, someway, Arthur Pendragon was unconsciously using magic.

It was the only explanation that fit, all things considered. There was no way that random chance had benefited him so much, and although he had considered the possibility that it was someone else using the magic (perhaps one of his knights), there was nobody else who had been present for every strange event (well, except Merlin, he supposed, but Merlin hardly counted).

As though summoned by his thoughts (and what if he had been? Who knew how much his unconscious magic had been affecting his everyday life?), Merlin entered his chambers, balancing a tray of food. "I've brought your dinner, seeing as how you don't seem to be interested in leaving this room any time soon," he said pointedly as he set down the tray. Arthur grunted in response, picking up a roll and staring at it for a moment before setting it down and turning away.

Even without seeing him, he could feel Merlin's frown (and was that magic too?) and almost sense the wheels turning in his brain, trying to figure out what was wrong. He knew Merlin meant well, but really, he was in the middle of a personal crisis and not at _all _in the mood to eat. Realizing that he wasn't going to just leave, Arthur sighed, and without bothering to turn around, said, "Merlin, how do you feel about magic?"

There was a long pause, before Merlin (rather hesitantly, in Arthur's opinion) responded. "Well, it's illegal, for start."

Arthur groaned, wondering why he bothered. "_Aside_ from that, Merlin!"

Another long pause. "Well… I suppose… it's just like anything else, isn't it? It can be used for good or evil, depending on who's using it."

Arthur frowned in thought. Merlin was clearly having one of his (rare) moments where he seemed almost wise. However…

"What if you're wrong?"

"Sorry?"

Arthur finally turned back to look at Merlin. "What if you're wrong, and even someone who starts out with good and noble intentions can be corrupted by magic?" he asked, staring intently.

Merlin fidgeted, looking suddenly very nervous. "I… well, that is… I'm sure there are plenty of… Why are you asking, anyways?" he finally finished, giving Arthur and almost challenging look, and in a flash of realization, Arthur realized that Merlin knew everything.

Suddenly furious, Arthur stood up and began to pace the room. "I'm not stupid, you know! I tried to overlook it at first, but after a while, everything kept building up! Strange coincidences, unexplainable and impossible victories…" he looked over at Merlin, who by this point seemed, to put it bluntly, terrified. Of course he was scared; Arthur was a sorcerer, who knew what he would unconsciously do when he was this angry!

On the other hand…

Now that he thought about it, maybe he had been wrong about Merlin knowing about his magic. After all, he himself had only just come to the realization, and it really didn't seem likely, now that he thought about it, that _Merlin_ would figure it out before him. Suddenly exhausted, Arthur collapsed back into his chair and dropped his face into his hands. "Somehow, I'm not sure how, I've been unconsciously using magic."

There was a long moment of tense silence.

Suddenly, Merlin burst into laughter, bordering on hysterical. Arthur's head snapped up, and he glared. "It's not funny!" he said, in a (definitely) not at all petulant manner.

"Sorry," gasped Merlin, still trying to stifle some decidedly un-manly giggles, "but you think _you've_ been using magic this whole time? Without knowing it?"

"Yes!" Arthur snapped, thoroughly annoyed now. "I've considered all other possibilities and this is the only thing that fits!"

Merlin, who now seemed to have sobered up remarkably quickly, shifted slightly, seeming somewhat nervous again. "Well…" he began hesitantly, "there is one other possibility."

"And what would that be?"

Merlin held up his hand, mumbled something Arthur couldn't quite hear, and then suddenly there was a flame sitting in his palm.

"…Ah. I… hadn't considered that."

**Author's Note: **And then there much awkwardness. Haha. Not everything's about you, Arthur, geez. Anyways, thanks for reading, I hope you've enjoyed! Special thank you to everyone who had followed, favourited, or reviewed, you make us feel so loved! And in the end, isn't that all any of us really want? ::cue cheesy music::

And on that note, see you all next week, with a shiny new chapter from Kashamuffin!


	6. You Must be Seeing Things

Author's Note: Well hey there! This is Kashamuffin back again for some more Merlin antics and shenanigans! I still own nothing…for now.

Five days. They had been out for five days so far and everyone's nerves were starting to wear thin. Arthur, a small group of knights, and Merlin had all left Camelot five days ago in an attempt to find a group of bandits that had been attacking outlying villages. For all the time and energy they had spent searching they had found nothing.

"Alright," Arthur said, turning to look back at the group, "let's stop for the night. We'll begin searching again at dawn."

Everyone began getting their things ready and chatting amongst themselves. Then they heard a rustling in the woods. All conversation abruptly ended and the group immediately began surveying the area. Good news on the quest: they had found the bandits. Or rather, the bandits had found them. They rushed out from the woods and began attacking.

The battle was getting intense and Merlin did the best he could to help. Realizing that his skills with a sword were maybe a little less than fantastic, he went to what he did best: magic. He flitted around the battle trying to help each of the knights without being seen. It was going fairly well, too. The battle was almost won but Merlin had lost track of Arthur. He looked around trying to find him. Arthur was standing in a clearing locked in combat with a man dressed all in black. Arthur was clearly the superior swordsman of the two and was going to win, but a second bandit was sneaking up to attack from behind.

Knowing he had to do something, Merlin started stepping a little closer, and reaching his hand out said, "_Hleap on baec_." Unfortunately, just as he was finishing casting it he tripped. Picking his face up off the ground, he looked behind him. A tree branch. Really? That's what tripped him? Definitely not one of his finer moments. He looked forward and saw with horror that while Gwaine had taken care of the bandit behind Arthur, the one right in front of his face had gone flying back and was now slumped against a tree.

Arthur looked over at Merlin. Then back to the bandit he had been fighting until only a moment ago. Then back to Merlin.

"Merlin, what just happened?" Arthur asked cautiously.

"Ah," Merlin said, picking himself up. "What are you talking about?"

"Merlin," Arthur said, getting annoyed. "That man just flew back without anyone even _touching_ him. How did that just happen?"

"I dunno; I mean, I didn't see anything…"

"How could you not have seen that?!"

"Well, I wasn't really watching at the time. Hey, Gwaine, did you see that guy just fly back?"

Gwaine looked over to him. "I was a little busy fighting this guy," he said pointing his sword towards the now unconscious bandit. "So, no, I guess I didn't really see what happened, but-"

"There you go," Merlin said, clapping Arthur on the back. "No one saw anything strange except you."

"I know sorcery when I see it," Arthur said coolly, looking again at the man he had been fighting. "Merlin, it was _you_ who did that, wasn't it?"

Merlin faltered a little before continuing on. "What? Me? Of course not! You would've known about it by now!" Arthur nodded considering this. "The past few days have been pretty long and we're all getting pretty, tired. You were probably just seeing things."

"Are you suggesting I just _imagined_ that he was just flung through the air?" Arthur asked haughtily.

"You haven't eaten yet either and we all know how you get when you're hungry…"

"Merlin!"

Author's Note: Writing this today made me feel like such a cool kid. I spent almost an hour looking up spells from Merlin for that one line. In the end, I just kind of picked one at random anyways, because I remembered I had this stuff called 'homework' that I should have been doing. Oh well. Priorities and all. Sorry it's a bit late but, as I said, homework beckoned. So anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Next week on _A Tale of Two Clotpoles_…  
PikachutheConqueror takes the stage.


	7. Observation Skills

Chapter 6: Observation Skills

A/N: It's late, I know! But my life exploded. To make up for it, here's a longer chapter – let me know if you like it, or if you prefer shorter chapters. Feedback welcome!

I still do not own Merlin. And just to save you time, energy and disappointment, wishing on stars accomplishes nothing.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: So, series 5 is starting soon. And there is a possibility – however slight – that the reveal will actually happen, and we'll know exactly how Arthur and/or Camelot find(s) out that Merlin has magic. HOWEVER, we authors do not see this as any reason to discontinue this fic, which is, after all, just a fun way to write about ways in which the reveal probably _won't _happen. And those will always be funny. So we will continue the fic as usual no matter what series 5 has in store.

The beginning bit of this chapter is inspired by a deleted scene for episode 7 of series 4, which in itself is quite entertaining.

"Where is that dollop-head?" Arthur demanded as he marched into Gaius' chambers. "He was supposed to get me ready for training an hour ago! And if you say he's in the tavern," he added when Gaius raised his head from his work table to address the King, "I'll kill him."

"Perhaps he's in the stables, sire?" asked Gaius, deciding not to test Arthur's threat.

"I've checked there already!"

"Or the armory?"

"He not there either," Arthur huffed. "Are you sure he's not still sleeping?" he asked, heading in the direction of Merlin's chambers.

Gaius, fearing Merlin had left his book of magic out again, quickly added, "Then perhaps he's in the tavern after all?"

Arthur whirled back to look at Gaius, and had just started to say something when a crash came from Merlin's room.

"Sleeping in after all," Arthur growled, marching towards Merlin's door. He was about to wrench it open when Gaius said, "Let me, please, sire, perhaps he's taken ill and fallen out of bed?"

"Wouldn't you know if he was ill?" he asked, looking back at the physician.

"I've only just returned from an early trip to the lower town to treat an inn-keeper, sire. Merlin could have stayed in bed for all I know."

Arthur looked as though he thought the only thing wrong with Merlin was that he had dung for brains, but he frowned and stepped aside for Gaius to enter anyway.

Gaius entered the room, quickly closing the door behind him. He didn't know what he'd expected to see – Merlin practicing magic to help protect Camelot from the latest magical threat, or perhaps actually having just passed out from staying up all night doing the same, most likely – but what met his eyes was the furthest from what he had been preparing himself for.

A young dragon, about three feet long and pearly white, grinned up at Gaius from the shattered remains of Merlin's bed as though expecting praise for an immensely funny joke.

"Oh my," Gaius exclaimed softly.

Unfortunately, Arthur decided to investigate the cause of this utterance before Gaius could come up with a reasonable explanation. Fortunately, just before the King burst into the room, the dragon jumped onto the window ledge and threw herself out the window.

Arthur froze at the sight of Merlin's bed in pieces, then quickly scanned the rest of the room, noting that his servant's belongings were strewn about the room in a way that was even messier than usual. "What happened?" he asked sharply.

"I don't know, sire," was all Gaius could say. Telling Arthur that a dragon had trashed Merlin's room was certainly not an option.

Arthur's face was stern as he assessed the situation. "It looks like someone was searching for something, or like someone was attacked."

"No one could have gotten into or out of this room without my noticing, sire," Gaius assured, but Arthur was already striding towards the window.

"Not unless they were very good, Gaius," he said, and made to leave Merlin's chambers.

"What do you mean, sire?"

Arthur took a deep breath. "I cannot be sure, Gaius, but it looks as if someone is trying to do Merlin harm. They either kidnapped him or searched his room."

Gaius was becoming alarmed with the King's reaction. "Why would anyone want to harm Merlin?" he asked, hoping to make Arthur's fears seem foolish.

But Arthur looked more anxious than he was likely to admit. "I don't know, Gaius, but it's best to take this seriously, just in case. I'll find Merlin, and if he's in trouble, I will do whatever it takes to bring him back safely," he assured the old man. With that, he swept from the room.

"Oh dear," Gaius muttered again. This did not bode well for Merlin, wherever he was...

Meanwhile, Merlin was in fact racing through the marketplace, searching for a glimpse of the dragon Aithusa, who was apparently playing hide-and-seek, causing havoc at stalls and then flying away before Merlin has a chance to catch up. The vendors were getting increasingly angry and Merlin was becoming increasingly nervous. What if someone was sent out to investigate?

Half an hour later, Arthur was leading a search party through the city with Gwaine, Elyan, Leon and Percival in tow, all of whom had immediately volunteered to help look for Merlin. Arthur had told them the search was just a precaution, that it was quite possible that there was a perfectly benevolent reason for Merlin's chambers to be trashed and for him to be apparently missing ("who would want a useless servant like Merlin, anyhow?"), but all five men were taking the matter quite seriously as they asked around if anyone had seen the young man.

"A vendor said they thought he saw someone matching Merlin's description running east through the lower town half an hour ago," Gwaine informed the King.

Arthur sighed, becoming more irritated as it grew more difficult to hide his growing concern. "And another vendor said she saw him going west around the same time," he said, "And a noble in the upper town said he saw him running through the castle not more than an hour ago."

"Perhaps he's been running all over town?" Elyan suggested.

Arthur shook his head. "That doesn't make sense. Why would he need to?"

"Your chores?" Gwaine suggested with a smirk.

"Why would my chores send him to the lower town?" Arthur scoffed. "And even if he was in trouble, he would just come to me, he wouldn't have to run all over the place." He didn't see the knights exchange dubious glances. "Most likely each of our informants saw a different person, and none of them were Merlin."

"A lot of dark haired young men running about today then," Gwaine put in, though he did not quite pull off his usual teasing tone.

"What do we do now?" asked Elyan.

This was just what the knights were considering when Merlin ran around the corner, following a baby dragon in literal flight. He skidded to a stop when he saw Arthur and his knights; they hadn't noticed him yet, but if they did – or worse, if they saw Aithusa... Merlin quickly hid behind some crates.

"It would be best to split up again but cover a larger distance this time," Arthur was saying. Above him on a roof, Aithusa was crouching, looking at Merlin eagerly like a puppy waiting to play. "Gwaine, you take the lower town, ask your pals in the taverns but_ don't drink anything_..."

Merlin leaned around the crate to get a good look at Aithusa. Fortunately, no doubt due to Arthur and the knights' rather conspicuous presence, the streets were clear of other people. Merlin used dragon language – very quietly – to command the baby dragon to return to Kilgharrah. Apparently he was _too _quiet, for Aithusa just continued to look at him, hopping around a little as if to tease him. Surely dragon language didn`t always have to be, well, _roared_?

Taking a deep breath, Merlin peered around the crate again. He waited until Arthur was in mid-sentence ("Sir Leon, I want you to search in the villages close to the city. It isn't likely...) and then tried the same command at normal speaking volume. Aithusa seemed to hear him this time, but was not pleased, for Merlin had not finished his sentence before she let out a mewling baby roar and flew into the air.

"What was that?" asked Arthur, whipping around to look at the rooftop on which Aithusa had been standing. She let out another shriek, and Arthur pivoted furiously, trying to find the source of the noise.

Aithusa swooped quickly behind an inn and out of sight, but Merlin was not so quick.

"MERLIN!"

Merlin whipped around to see a very irate looking Arthur marching towards him, his knights in tow.

"Good morning, your majesty," Merlin began with false cheeriness, but Arthur cut him off.

"It's _afternoon_. Where have you been all day?"

"Oh, um..." Merlin tried desperately to think of a plausible excuse, but was distracted when Aithusa landed on a barrel in a stall behind Arthur. "I was just...around."

"Just _around_? Merlin, do you have any idea how..._irresponsible _you've been? How much trouble you've caused?"

"We were getting worried, mate," Gwaine put in, grinning broadly. "Been looking for you since this morning."

"Looking?" Merlin frowned, then suddenly had to hide a smile. "You put together a search party," he said. Arthur couldn't say whether it was the fact that Merlin said it as a statement rather than a question, or the cheekiness of his tone that annoyed him more. "Were you worried about me?"

"Oh course not!" Arthur snapped. "We only had to investigate because it looks like someone's been riffling around in your chambers."

Merlin's grin vanished. "What?"

But before Merlin could contemplate this highly concerning statement, Aithusa jumped off the barrel, landed on the cobbled stones right at Merlin's feet, and let out a sound oddly like a bark.

"Is that a dragon?" Gwaine asked, snapping everyone out of their astonishment.

"Formation!" Arthur called to his knights.

_Oh no_, thought Merlin, _definitely not good._

"She's just a baby!" he babbled quickly. "Surely she couldn't do any harm – "

Aithusa sneezed, and a burst of flames erupted from her snout, sending the knights scampering backwards.

"...Or, maybe she could," Merlin finished to himself. Thinking quickly, he muttered a hasty spell and flicked his gaze towards the assembled knights. Immediately, their eyes went glassy, as though some sort of daze had come over them all. "Quick!" Merlin yelled, pointing to a nearby stall that was out of the way. "There it is!"

Arthur and the knights became attentive all at once, turning in unison in the direction Merlin had pointed and ignoring the dragon on the ground completely. "After it!" Arthur yelled, and the knights charged.

As soon as Merlin figured they were out of earshot, he turned back to the dragon, who (was it Merlin's imagination?) was wearing a look rather like Gaius did when he caught Merlin doing magic he shouldn't. "It's no use looking at me like that," he whispered to Aithusa. "You're the one making a mess of things." A nearby crash and some yelling reminded Merlin of his task. Shaking his head, Merlin finally let loose the roar of dragon language, telling Aithusa quickly but firmly that she was to return immediately to the care of Kilgharrah and _stay there_.

With another sneeze and a rather sulky look, Aithusa took to the skies, soaring over Camelot in the now fading light.

Suddenly, Arthur spoke from behind him. "You talked to that dragon."

Merlin whipped around and realized that not only had his spell on the knights worn off, but that perhaps the stall he'd sent them to had not been as out of earshot as he had thought, for they were all now staring at Merlin in confusion. "No I didn't," was all he could think to say.

"You spoke in a rumbling language and then the dragon just left!" exclaimed Arthur. "Never mind why there's a dragon when you told me that you _hadn't_ saved the last egg, how did you do that?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Merlin!"

"Are you sure you heard properly?"

"Yes, Merlin, I'm not deaf and I was three feet away!"

"Ah."

When Merlin didn't elaborate, Arthur stated the obvious himself. "You're a Dragonlord. Which means...you have magic."

He expected Merlin to deny it, but Merlin just remained silent. Arthur, shocked at his discovery, could only follow suit. Percival, however, burst out laughing, which was almost as shocking as Merlin having magic.

"What's so amusing, _Sir_ Percival," Arthur asked rather testily.

"'Not deaf', eh, sire? How long has Merlin been your servant now? And he's been a Dragonlord the whole time...I always wondered where that human-like roaring came from when we met those Wyverns..."

Arthur blushed, a detail that Gwaine would forever emphasize when he told this tale in many a tavern.

A/N: I think the most amusing thing for me to write was actually Percival laughing...closely followed by Arthur being worried...

A note to everyone who will say that I got Aithusa wrong – yes, I know (SPOILERS!) that she's supposed to be evil and on Morgana's side (at least, I've heard that...), but this was more fun.

A note to Fearlee – I don't know if this satisfies your request for the knights to find out about Merlin's magic, but it was the most I could incorporate into a chapter that was already mostly written. That, and this fic is mostly about Arthur finding out. However, you've inspired my idea for my next chapter, so thank you!

Next time is JenWinsTheQuidditch, who will be writing her chapter operatic style. Or, you know, not. Whichever.


	8. You Know What They Say About Assuming

**Author's Note:** Howdy, JenWinstheQuidditch here! Sooo… not only is this chapter late, it's also quite short. There is an exceptionally and increasingly long list of reasons for this, which I shan't bore you with here, but hopefully the next time my turn rolls around I will have something more substantial to offer. Not sure whether or not the operatic chapter promised by PikachutheConqueror is going to happen any time soon, but we shall see.

And on that note, on with the show!

"MERLIN!"

Gaius looked up from his work towards the door, upon which Arthur was furiously pounding. He made his way over and opened it. "Is there something I can help you with, sire?"

"Some information has recently come to my attention. Let's just say Merlin has an awful lot of explaining to do." Arthur was pacing, muttering angrily under his breath, phrases like "complete breach of trust" and "can't _believe_ he kept this from me" occasionally cutting through.

Gaius was understandably alarmed. "Now, sire, I understand that you may be uncomfortable by whatever you've found out…"

Arthur whirled around. "You knew about this!" he exclaimed, glaring at Gaius.

"Well, yes," admitted Gaius, "but I can assure you, Merlin has both your and Camelot's best interests at heart! He would never use his magic to harm anyone!"

Arthur froze. "Magic?" Gaius turned away, suddenly very interested in his test tubes. "I was talking about him stealing food from my breakfast. Merlin has _magic?!_"

There was a long, awkward pause. "…No?"

At that moment, Merlin entered the room. He paused inside the doorway, taking in the scene: Gaius refusing to make eye contact with him or Arthur, Arthur staring at him in shock and betrayal.

"…Have I missed something?"

**Author's Note: **Well, there you have it. Something to tide you over until Kashamuffin takes back the reigns next time. Woo!


	9. You Do Have a Point There

Author's Note: Are you ready to read?! Good, because that's what you're currently doing. Kashamuffin here, back at the metaphorical wheel or what have you. Nothing belongs to me, as per usual.

Merlin raced through the hallways trying to get to the throne room before it was too late. A little boy had been practicing sorcery in secret until the knights found out and brought him in to be sentenced. His magic didn't hurt anybody; he could barely do anything with it! Merlin couldn't just sit back and let this child be exiled or worse, sentenced to death. He threw open the doors to the throne room and shouted, "It was me! I'm the sorcerer. The boy is innocent."

Arthur looked at Merlin incredulously before smiling widely and strolling over to put an arm around Merlin. "Clearly, he's been spending too much time at the tavern," Arthur said jovially to the room full of people. "_Again_. It's actually starting to be a real problem and if Merlin had any_ brains_, he'd really stop going so often," he said pointedly.

One of Arthur's advisors cleared his throat and nervously asked, "Your highness, if I may speak my mind?"

"Of course."

"Well, about Merlin, I think we should take his confession into consideration."

"What? That's just ridiculous. It's _Merlin_!"

"I know, but, Sire, this isn't the first time an accusation such as this has been made," he shifted his feet nervously before continuing. "The witch finder as well as many others have accused him of witchcraft. Merlin himself has even admitted to being a sorcerer before; this isn't the first time!"

Merlin looked awkwardly around the room. Arthur looked Merlin up and down. "No, there's no way I wouldn't have known," Arthur said uncertainly.

"Sire, if so many people have been saying this, there may be some truth to it. I think it's something that we need to consider."

"Merlin, what do you have to say in your defense?"

"Uh…" Merlin started, "well, funny thing about that…"

Author's Note:

Sorry it's late! And short… Ah well; these things do happen.


	10. The Other Round Table

A/N: I have to thank a loyal reviewer for inspiring the idea for this chapter: this might not be what you had in mind, Fearlee, but I hope you will enjoy it.

Also, not only do I not own Merlin, but I must confess to yet another failure: I do not own The Princess Bride.

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Chapter 10: The Other Round Table

When Gaius stood at the Round Table and gave his opinion on what was causing Camelot's most recent crisis, his face was somber, and his news more so.

"I think, my lords and lady, that something is possessing the people of Camelot."

"You mean this is caused by magic?" asked Arthur immediately.

Gwen's hands tightened on her chair, but she asked a more practical question. "Possessing them how?"

Gaius straightened, clasping his hands behind his back. "I believe that some force is possessing people one at a time, forcing them to do things they would never normally do, and then leaving them and moving on to its next victim," he explained.

"Which is why we've got inn-keepers knicking people's shoes and barmaids adding fart-potion to pints of mead all over town?" asked Gwaine...who then farted.

Gaius nodded. "It would explain why none of these supposed criminals remember the crimes they have committed."

"And...whoever's causing this is doing it by magic?" asked Arthur.

"Either that, sire, or whatever's possessing people is a creature of magic itself," confirmed the physician.

"Is it dangerous?" asked Gwen. "I mean, clearly it's causing harm, but Gaius...could whatever it is make people do worse things, like...like hurt people?"

Gaius' tone was as heavy as his answer. "I'm not sure."

Arthur, unable to do more than tell everyone to keep a look out and ask Gaius to do more research, concluded the meeting. As everyone got to their feet, he sought out one particular face in the crowd. Though he couldn't admit it, he was feeling rather lost, and there was only one person he felt he could talk to at the moment. But the face in question was busy talking to Gwaine and Gwen with a worried expression – all three looked rather somber, but Merlin kept looking at his feet and Gwen and Gwaine kept shooting looks at each other while Merlin wasn't looking. Arthur noticed that some of the other knights were also watching Merlin with concern; Elyan and Leon glanced at him and then at each other meaningfully, and Percival was crossing his arms as he considered the servant.

Arthur sighed and went off to his chambers alone; clearly he would have to wait to speak with Merlin until everyone else was done fawning over him. Honestly, didn't they think they were overdoing it? Sure, Merlin had looked rather scared these last few days, but he always was in these kinds of situations. Instead of worrying over Merlin, the knights should be helping Arthur solve this problem! Besides, though he would never say so, Arthur knew Merlin more adept at taking care of himself than people gave him credit for – he just sometimes fell in a bit of a funk. Whenever Camelot was in serious trouble, Merlin would pretend it didn't affect him, but Arthur could always catch the expressions of worry and doubt that would cross the servant's face when he thought the king wasn't looking. But Merlin never lost faith. And Arthur knew that this time would be no different than the others – Merlin would come around, like always. Arthur was sure of that. After all, he did know Merlin best.

And yet, a few days later, Arthur had yet to be proven right about Merlin's mood. The servant was still acting skittish, and was looking more tired and drawn with each passing day. Arthur was starting to become...well, not worried, but concerned, which was not at all the same thing. He was beginning to think it was more than just Camelot's current magical predicament – which had continued to escalate in ridiculousness in not actual danger – that was causing Merlin's behaviour. Arthur knew from many years with Merlin that simply asking him what was wrong would prove unfruitful, so he decided follow Merlin and hope the servant unknowingly revealed the source of his troubles. It wasn't spying; Arthur would just see where Merlin went, with whom he talked, and what he did. Again, it was not the same thing.

So it was that Tuesday morning, after Merlin served breakfast to, picked out clothes for, and left the chambers of the King, he was followed through the castle by the reigning monarch himself. Ordinarily, Arthur would have had to go through the weekly reports of citizen life at this time of day, but today he had some questions on the population's health that he wanted to ask Gaius, who'd said he was going to be down in the lower town all morning treating the seasonal flu that had hit. Arthur couldn't remember the flu coming around at this time of year before, but he supposed Gaius must know what he was doing. Usually if he'd had extra time, Arthur would have joined the knights in their morning practice (although he still practiced with them a few times a week, his kingly duties prevented him from doing so every day, and he missed it), but several of his knights had said they were going on a hunting trip today. He hadn't thought any of them liking hunting much, but he supposed he must have won them over with it over the years, what with bringing them along on his own trips. He'd been wondering what excuse he was going to have to give Gwen, what with taking off for no apparent reason, but it turned out not to matter; she'd told him she wouldn't be in the throne room today, as she had to get some things done. It seemed rather odd, but he didn't complain, as it let him off the hook. Feeling relieved that he didn't have to make excuses for his own odd behaviour, Arthur pulled up the hood on the cloak he was wearing to disguise himself and shadowed Merlin's footsteps.

Merlin was acting very strangely indeed, hurrying faster than normal and checking over his shoulder so often that Arthur almost lost him while hiding from sight in nooks in the walls. Eventually, Merlin turned into a corridor that Arthur was quite sure he'd never been down before – _it must be servants' corridor_ – and went through a plain-looking door. Arthur pressed his ear to it, but could hear nothing from the other side.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps. He hid in another alcove barely in time to avoid Gwaine, who came barreling down the corridor. The knight thrust the door open with a hurried "Am I late?" and then the door was closed again.

What was going on? Late for what? And what were Gwaine and Merlin doing here?

Arthur waited outside for a few more minutes, but when nothing happened, he decided to change tactics. Carefully, he crouched down beside the door and eased it open just enough to see and hear what was going on behind it.

"...we do that?" Gwaine was asking. He was seated with his back to the door, and he was not alone. Leon, Elyan, Percival, Gwen, Gaius and Merlin all sat with him around a rough circular table.

Everyone was looking at Merlin, who himself was staring at his hands. "I don't know," he answered. "It would be risky. I've never tried anything like this before."

"More to the point," Gaius said, "There'd be no way for him to manage it without Arthur noticing."

Arthur, still hidden behind the door, frowned. _Noticing what?_

"We'd all be there to help," Elyan put in, and Percival nodded. "We could distract him."

"Arthur's not _that _unobservant," Leon argued.

"Maybe it's time to tell him," Gwen suggested gently.

By this time, Arthur could feel his temper rising. _Tell him_ _WHAT_?

Merlin scoffed. "No offence Gwen, but we're in the middle of an invasion of potentially harmful spirits. The last thing I need is your husband making rash decisions because he found out I have magic."

At these words, Arthur tumbled out from behind the door, sprawling flat on his face on the cold stone floor of the room. All of its occupants looked up in alarm.

"Arthur!" Gwen exclaimed.

But when Arthur pushed himself to his feet, all he could do was stare at Merlin. Merlin, looking petrified, could only stare back. Then Arthur looked around at the rest of them, his glare accusing.

Gwaine was the only one who answered Arthur's silent challenge. "Well, Arthur, you've really only got yourself to blame. You know what they say about curiosity."

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A/N: You accuse tardiness, I plead midterms. But I do love writing this fic when I get too stressed; humour is good for the soul.

Next up, JenWinsTheQuidditch entertains us all once again with her charming wit.


	11. The Talk

A/N: Surprise! It's PikachutheConqueror again! Psych!

This week's chapter is based on a theory that everyone loves to contemplate but not many (to my knowledge) actually believe. But hey, the concept is amusing, so I'll use it here. Also, you may notice that the set-up for this chapter (based on the end of the last episode (5.12)) is very transparently to serve my own purposes. I congratulate you on having better observation skills than Arthur.

If I owned Merlin, I would have procrastinated less with the reveal and not done it at the last possible second. Seriously, how are they going to fit that much angst into one episode?

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Chapter 11: The Talk

Done with his plan to unnerve Morgana using his disguise as Dragoon the Great, Merlin changed back into his normal self and strode into Camelot's army's camp. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into Arthur's tent to find his King reviewing a map of Camlann.

Arthur, for his part, didn't think he'd ever been happier to see Merlin in his life; he let out his feelings with an insult. "Come out of your hidey-hole, have you? Ready to face the world like a man?"

He waited for Merlin's retort, but it was not forthcoming. Frowning, Arthur looked up. Then he swallowed hard – Merlin was wearing his "I really have to tell you something that you're not going to like" face.

"What is it now?" he asked, bracing himself.

Meanwhile, Merlin was doing the same. It really was, as they say, now or never. Because if he didn't do it now, Arthur, and Camelot, would be finished by morning. There was no more getting around it; no sneaky plans conducted in secret, no disguises, no option other than honesty.

Merlin didn't think he'd ever been so terrified in his life.

"Um, Arthur? I have to tell you something."

Arthur was characteristically brash. "I know there's a good possibility we're all about to die, Merlin, but that's no excuse to get all blubbery on me."

Merlin took a breath. "Something important."

Arthur sighed and looked at Merlin with the open expression he only used when he actually thought they were going to die. "I know, old friend. This is the part where you say you have absolute faith in me and that you are honoured to be at my side." He paused, but looked Merlin squarely in the eyes. "And I have always been honoured by your faith in me."

"Ah... thank you, Arthur," Merlin said, genuinely pleased. "But I actually meant something that could get us out of this mess."

Arthur immediately straightened and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh. Yes, right. And what is that?"

"Uh, it...well, you see..."

"Out with it Merlin!"

"Well, it might be rather shocking. Or you might not believe me. Or you might, uh, execute me."

Arthur stared.

"I just wanted to make sure you're ready for it," Merlin cautioned.

Arthur nodded.

Before he could think better of it, Merlin looked right into Arthur's eyes, and said, with a curious mixture of apology and defiance, "I have magic."

Arthur looked at Merlin long and hard. Merlin held his gaze.

At last Arthur spoke. "I know."

Merlin blinked. He was positive he mustn't have heard correctly. "What?"

"I. Know."

"Know what?"

"That you have magic."

Merlin gaped. "That's not possible."

Arthur snorted. "With all the spells you do while I'm around and all the magical knowledge you're always spouting off? Oh, I assure you, Merlin, it's entirely possible."

"I..but..." The world had suddenly become very difficult for Merlin to understand. "You never said – "

"Of course I never said anything!" Arthur said, as though talking to a child. "You were obviously terrified that I would execute you. So I let you think you were getting away with it so you wouldn't worry."

"I don't suppose you could have told me that you weren't going to execute me!" Merlin snapped. Then he hesitated. "You...you're not going to...right?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Of course not. You've clearly been using your powers for good."

"But you're always saying that magic is evil!"

"Well obviously if I was going to convince you that I didn't know you had magic, I was going to have to pretend to have absolute contempt for it! Haven't you noticed that I hardly ever actually execute sorcerers?"

"I, but – " Merlin was having extreme difficulty following Arthur's line of reasoning. "That's the most demented logic I've ever heard! Wouldn't it have caused less stress and fear for everyone if you had just been honest with me from the start about how you felt about magic and that you knew I had it?"

Arthur grimaced. "I wanted to, Merlin, I really did, but the longer I kept it from you the harder it became to try to tell you. I was... sort of...hurt that you didn't trust me, so I wanted to prove myself – to earn your trust so you would tell me on your own. And..." he paused, then went on rather quickly, "And I also didn't want it to affect our friendship. It was just easier to go on tricking you. I'm sorry."As Arthur finished, he looked up and surveyed Merlin nervously.

Merlin noticed this with unease. "What?"

"I...I hope you can forgive me for hiding this from you."

No, things were definitely not on the right axis here. It was as though Arthur was spouting every confession, excuse and apology Merlin had always wanted to tell him, but flipped around. Unfortunately, due to the shock of the situation, the irony was lost on the poor man.

"Um...yeah," he managed. "Yeah, sure. Of course."

Arthur straightened, suddenly business-like. "Excellent. Now let's go, Merlin, Morgana's not going to wait until you've picked your jaw up off the floor to attack, and I think you'll probably need it to say whatever magic spell thing you think is going to save us this time."

As Arthur strode from the tent, he was pleased to hear the familiar sound of Merlin's footsteps following.

But it was Merlin who had the last word. "Clotpole."

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A/N: So, not the best thing I've ever written. But written before the last episode, and that's what I was going for.

Also: very sorry for the mega- late update. Life exploded. Honestly, I'm just amazed this many people think we're funny. Thank you to everyone who reads, favourites, follows, and/or reviews! To continue supporting us, send us your suggestions for chapters to write (via reviews, so that all three authors can see them). There's no guarantee that we'll write every idea we get (and we still have a few ourselves), but we'd love to hear your ideas! The show may end soon, but that doesn't mean the fun has to: the humorous alternate-ending possibilities are endless.

That said, updates may be less regular in the future. We won't be writing every week, but we'll still be writing when we can.

And in case you're wondering about the "oooooooooo", I thought it would make a cool sound effect. Totally not the only way I could get ffn to notice my section divides. Not that I'd be, you know, bitter or anything; lines are for squares.


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